Yes, much to my embarrassment, that was the next step in my journey into Idiotland. After the first phone call that promised that I could make $50,000.00 in 6 months with the on-line training I was about to receive, I got two more calls with equally outlandish promises.
1. "Well, you must have visitors to your web site. We'll send you 20,000.00 for $."
2. "You'll be so rich if you follow our program that you're bound to have tax problems."
I have given a lot of thought to whether I should tell this story. I wonder if I should have taken the classic route and imputed my less than intelligent actions to "a friend of mine once". But, one of the things that seems to get me, and a lot of folks like me in trouble is our tendency to be honest, no matter what the cost in personal financial well being or dignity. In short, I couldn't attribute my less than brilliant actions to a hapless figment of my imagination any more than I could impose on said figment to pay my credit card bill.
"Why do I want people to visit my site now when I don't know what the heck to put on it?"
"Oh we'll help you with that. Besides, there is a 10% click through rate, and this is the quickest way for you to make back your investment."
"You mean people will buy your program from me even if there is nothing on my site to give them a reason to do it?"
"Yes. We only send you targeted visitors."
"Okay, sign me up. I could use making some of my investment back."
and about a week later:
"This new business is going to cause you a lot of tax issues."
"How could it? I haven't made a dime."
"Yes, but you will, and you need to have your protections in place so the IRS doesn't get all your money."
"But, I HAVEN'T made any money."
"You will, though. Why, in as little as one month, you could be making thousands of dollars, and it could all go to the gov'ment. You wouldn't like that, would you?"
We'll draw the curtains of charity on my response, and subsequent credit card bill. I'm not quite done with this saga, as much as I wish I were. So, please stay tuned.
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( 0 / 0 )Of course, our hero never had so many turnips that she could afford to waste them. She was making a living, and when the recession hit, she was still surviving. No one likes to "just survive". If someone told you that you could give up a few turnips, and you would have as many as you could possibly ever want for the rest of your life, would you believe them?
Don't answer that. I'm embarrassed enough. My father was a salesman. He said that salesman were the easiest people to sell to because they were sympathetic to their peers. It makes me wonder if lawyers are more sympathetic to criminals because -- maybe I don't want to go there.
In any event, the guy convinced me that his program would unlock all of the secrets of Internet marketing. I would be able to make a satisfactory income on line if I just followed his directions. "Sure, sign me up," I said. "I believe anyone who tells me a good enough story."
The guy assured me that if his program didn't meet all of my expectations, I would get my money back. I gave him my credit card number, and excitedly waited for my first coaching session. I figured a program about selling on the net would take place -- on the net. Well, some of it did. But the first thing I got was a big box of post cards. I was supposed to send them out, and all the 750 people who received them were supposed to call the magic number, buy the same program I just bought, and make me a millionaire overnight.
I was supposed to pay the postage for this privilege. I couldn't bring myself to do this for two reasons. I thought that I didn't know enough about the program to sell it to my fellow man. I think it is unethical to ask someone to invest a lot of hard earned turnips in something I couldn't personally recommend. My other objection is I couldn't bring myself to send junk mail. It just goes against everything I believe. I hate to get it, so I can't bring myself to send it.
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( 0 / 0 )I believe we left our idiot, I mean hero climbing on board a piece of farm equipment, more commonly known as a turnip truck. She was in the habit of storing the turnips she had for the winter. After all, one never knows when the urge to eat will hit, and it is good to be prepared with something wholesome, like chocolate or turnips.
Unfortunately, she was gullible, because of actions engaged in by her maternal parent involving gravity and her head. Shortly after she fell for the "type yourself to wealth in 45 minutes or less" scam, she got a phone call:
Lucille: "If you want money, go to the
---"Caller: "Now, Now. I am here to help. I'll show you how to make money, but you'll have to work for it."
Lucille: "I'll work my Hoosier asteroid off if it means I can support myself. A few luxuries like food, shelter and clothing would be nice."
Caller" "Right! Wouldn't you also like to sit on the beach all day doing nothing? Don't you have dreams that don't include chocolate and sleeping all day?"
Lucille: "Sure, but remember the first thing I said. You know, when i answered the phone?"
Caller: "Ha! Ha! Yeah, that was cute. You do know it takes money to make money?"
Lucille: "Yes, weren't they popular about the same time as the Beatles?"
Caller: "You are so funny! Tell you what, just because you're such a smart Alec, and you sound like the kind of person who eats turnips, we'll give you a discount. Why, before the end of the day, you'll have what you need to make all the money you'll ever need."
Lucille: "Okay, I'll bite. How much?"
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( 1 / 1 )A couple of days ago, I published a blurb that appeared in a joke ezine I get. I mentioned that the list owner, Bob, runs public service material in his zine. I also should have mentioned that he doesn't have commercials, and most of what he provides are jokes. This is one oversight. The other is that I gave the wrong information about signing up for Bob's zine if you're interested:
DragonLaffs-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
In my defense, he didn't have that address in the article I used, but I've seen his subscription address at least a million times. I guess it's that being dropped on my head thing.
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( 0 / 0 )Of course, no diatribe on credit cards would be complete without my mentioning the ultimate in stupidity. I won't be sued for slander for using names in this piece. After all, truth is an absolute defense to slander. And, the truth is, it was my trusting nature, and the fact that my mother dropped me on my head that caused these particularly stupid events to occur. Recession is a cruel joke on all of us. Clinging to jobs that are unsatisfactory, or begging others to pay us to do things we wish we didn't have to have become common place in the last several years. I began to suspect that the economy was taking a southern turn long before the government finally admitted that we had a problem. I used to handle bankruptcies as a large part of my practice. Some day, I'll tell you why I don't anymore. For now, suffice it to know that I wasn't fond of the people who I had to deal with, and the new law (2005) made an unpleasant portion of my law practice even less pleasurable. I quit while I was ahead, and wasn't forced to memorize a bunch of even more boring and stupid requirements and regulations. I got the bright idea that I might make my fortune, or at least be able to support myself by starting a business on the Internet. Just when a fool wants to part with her money, an opportunity or 3 to do so arise. I started with a web site that advertised "typing for wealth". For $50.00, the liar, I mean owner would teach me how to advertise and make scads of money. According to her, I could be making money within 45 minutes. I hadn't fallen off the turnip truck yesterday, so I thought she was exaggerating. However, I had apparently fallen off a couple days before, because I didn't realize by how much.. I bit, and I wish that was the worst of it. After accepting my $50.00 for a life time membership, I was admitted to a page that assured me that you could make money on the net with a little work, and except for the modest cost of the membership to the site, for virtually nothing. She than listed a number of links on which I could advertise other people's products for a commission. She even told me about "Click Bank", so I started to review their offerings and writing ads. By the way, click Bank is a legitimate source of affiliate programs, and I don't get paid for telling you that. I had to pay to be told myself, but back to the issue at hand. I logged in, and started to sign up for the free for all sites. I read their policies and requirements, as I had done for the site that got me there. The difference is that the owners of those sites were a little more honest about what they were offering, and made it very clear that they would under no circumstances accept ads from product affiliates. Oh, well. I figured I had learned my lesson, and hadn't paid as much as I could have for a useless life time membership. However, the original thief wasn't done with me yet. A couple of months later, my secretary asked me what the monthly $9.00 charges on my card were for. I said I didn't know, but I got to the bottom of it as quickly as I could. Apparently, the $50.00 life time membership only lasted a month. After that, it was $9.00 per month. I'll give her credit. The charges were small enough that a lot of us wouldn't notice, and would pay it. The lesson from this experience? ALWAYS read your statement. The $9.00 continuing charge was mentioned on another page of the site. It was under the headline, "More Information". I guess she was going to define "life time" for me. It apparently didn't mean what I thought it did. But, hang on. I'm embarrassed to admit we're just warming up. The turnip truck has barely left the farm.
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